Spilled Out Of The Bucket List

I'm quick witted, you just tryin' to play clever
Your aim's off, you and Tebow should pray together
You got that word at the end style, but Fay's better
And I think you afraid to fight the champ - Mayweather...

As I continue to age, becoming even more distinguished and appealing in true Sean Connery fashion, I feel I have to address my own mortality. Maybe it was going to the doctor for a checkup this past week. Maybe it was the 13 pieces of bacon I ate at breakfast. The reason is irrelevant. What's important is that to save valuable thinking time I have begun subscribing to cliche's lately and one of my personal favorites is comprising a bucket list of things I have neglected while young and active, and which I somehow plan on completing as I age and watch more episodes of Matlock. Few things amuse me more than self deception.

I won't reveal any of the future accomplishments that made it onto my illustrious bucket list. Were I to do so you could all hold me accountable and question which ones I've completed. And I hate accountability. For myself, not for others. It would also force me to lie but I'm ok with that. However, what I am willing to share with you, my faithful readers, is the list of things I begrudgingly discarded due to existence time constraints (by my recent medical exam I'm scheduled to pass away in the spring of 2013). Most of them are worthy but have to be put on the backburner until I succeed in my final bucket list and modern science invents a grilled cheese sandwich that strengthens your heart and increases life longevity.

KULIFAY'S BUCKET LIST HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Learn to swear in sign language.

- Convince at least one person that the movie 'Black Swan' was loosely based on my late teens ballet career.

- Challenge a Kenyan to a marathon...with a straight face.

- Lick a tootsie roll pop to the center without biting. Then punch an owl.

- Testify before congress on the unappreciated benefits of HGH and anabolic steroids.

- Perfect my stare so it goes from 'creepy' to 'smoldering'.

- Critique pornography on lighting, wardrobe and dialogue.

- Hug Carrot Top and whisper into his ear, "I'm the only one who understands your work."

- Watch every episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and not murder anybody for 24 hours.

- Convince Yankee Candle that a bacon scent would jumpstart a potentially lucrative breakfast line of candles. (Coffee, sausage, maple syrup, Cap'n Crunch, tequila...who's with me?)

- Assault a dolphin with the plastic rings from a six pack of Natural Light.

- Walk into a museum and profanely trash talk the dinosaur displays on behalf of all mammals until escorted out by security.

- Learn to differentiate asian, arab and latin ethnicities by sight. Then pretentiously judge other white people who lump them all together.

- Wear a fedora to a social event.

- Learn to play ONE song on the guitar really, really well. Only one. And make that song the never-before-heard acoustic version of 'Baby Got Back'.

- Write a self-help book aimed at people who can't stop buying self-help books.

- Work the phrase "soberly touching my fishsticks" into the popular vernacular.

- Develop a pornographic video game for the Nintendo Wii.

- Become sheriff of a small town, grow a handlebar moustache and slap my nightstick into my palm in a threatening manner everytime someone seems on the verge of getting out of hand.

- Create my own intricate celebration dance and utilize it every day when I leave work.

- Convince Jessica Biel to drop the restraining order.

- Go one week without complaining about customers (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!).

- Write a blog that doesn't make 99% of you click away and wonder why you even associate with me.