The Edgy Class: Open Enrollment

The Edgy Class

Course Goals: To develop your social media persona to become the edgy asshole you've always thought you could be! Get a rise out of everyone you know on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace (if you still do that) and for an extra $17 fee, Google+!

Time: Thursdays 7pm to 9:45pm (allows time to get home for Jersey Shore)

Location: Your local YMCA

Cost: $30 or a $20 Dinner-For-Two coupon to Friday's.

Start Time: 7pm. Class will be inevitably be delayed as the teacher will have not not yet arrived. The first rule of being edgy: you do shit on YOUR time. No one else's. Write that down.

Instructor: Some approaching middle-aged guy clinging desperately to his youthful edginess.

Course Itinerary

ALL TIMES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT INSTRUCTOR'S WHIM

7:15 Pay Instructor Cash In Full: - Edgy don't take checks.

7:30 - The Zig-Zag Game: When everyone else goes one direction, you go the other. If someone talks positively of Tim Tebow, you mock his faith. If someone speaks ill of him, defend his intangibles and mock his detractors for not understanding football. Don't just read the status updates either, read the comments and you can even engage people you don't know with your developing edginess! Take advantage of any and all opportunities to go against the grain. I should be able to set my watch to anticipate your anti-response. Jokingly support child molestation and Dane Cook if others are attacking them. See the next chapter...

8:00 Escalation: It's Not Just For Escalators Anymore: A key component to being edgy is taking things one step further than your competitors (who are completely unaware they're in competition with you). If someone makes a fart joke, you make a poop joke. If someone makes a poop joke, you make a diarrhea joke. If someone...well you get the idea. Don't be afraid to tell hospitalized people to "suck it up", remind pregnant people of the legality of abortions or tell people with relationship issues their significant other is undoubtedly fornicating with someone else. The only 'too far' you can go is when you can't reach the keyboard you edgy sonofabitch. If they don't get your edgy humor then that's just more evidence of how lame they are.

8:42 You're DANGER...With Just A Hint of Vulnerability: Your tweets, posts, comments, links, etc. should all be designed to show the world how edgy you are. I mean you're not gonna get laid from honest, regular conversation, are you? Let everyone know you're pro-violence, that you have no regards for social norms, political correctness or mutual respect. You are who you are, motherfucker. BUT, a circus has 3 rings for a reason: you can't just shoot someone out of a cannon over and over. You have to mix it up a little. So every now and then, show 'em a touch of sensitivity and vulnerability. Maybe even martyr it up a little bit. It's you against the world after all. Then when they're reading your post about wanting to steal food from 3rd world orphans, they'll think to themselves "it's just a cry for help, he secretly wants to be saved. And I'M the one who can save his poor, tortured soul." Then you're in. It's just science.

9:13 Swearing, I Mean Why The Fuck Not?: Edgy does not concern itself with polite communication. Edgy gives no shit for grammar, punctuation, spelling or decency. You're there to be edgy clever, not Big Bang Theory clever. If you can use a 'z' instead of an 's', you're azz is edgy. Never say 'freakin', 'darn' or any other watered down version of a choice swear word. Life gives you an unlimited amount of 'fucks' so what the fuck are you saving them for? Dropping F-bombs, C words and homophobic slang where everyone from someone's grandmother to their 7 year old niece can read it is paramount to being truly edgy.

9:35 You Tell 'Em, Steve Dave!: Not everyone is going to grasp your subtle clues and piece together the puzzle of edgy that is you. Doing the opposite from everyone else, escalating arguments and disagreements and cussing like Andrew Dice Clay doesn't always get your message across.  Sometimes you have to just flat out tell 'em you're edgy. Remind them periodically you don't care what anyone thinks. Tell them straight up that you do your own thing without regards to what everyone else is doing. You're edgy and the whole damn world needs to know.

9:40 Class Discussion & General Anarchy: You didn't spend $30 to not share your newfound edge immediately. Start with the jackasses around you and prove they didn't grasp the class the way you did.
ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS. There's no hope for you. If you were actually edgy you wouldn't have to try so hard to prove it on social media, more or less have taken the class. Enjoy life.