The Sifting of the Wheat: Love v. Friendship

It's a complicated world and all the trouble that it engenders
leaves no time to lean upon false prophets or pretenders
I salute those who physically, mentally and spiritually defend us
We need the real saviors to unite like the Avengers...

I mentally lean upon my friends and family a lot. If that sounds like a strange way to phrase it, allow me to explain. I don't like asking for help a lot. I don't tend to talk about my real issues or what's bothering me emotionally. I typically explain/justify that by the rationale that I am a classic overthinker: anything that's bothering me goes through my head dozens, hundreds, thousands of times when I'm alone so when I have company I generally want some peace from my mental masochism. And without a wife, kids or particular hobbies to occupy my time I actually have too much free time to overthink and brood on my first world problems that would have gotten me slapped in the 1950s. Of course any psychiatrist worth the frame around their diploma could probably tell you it's just as much a matter of being embarrassed by my issues and not wanting to appear weak to others as it is needing a break from my own brain. Perhaps. But I refuse to return Dr. Phil's calls. 

My family came down (up? over?) to Pittsburgh last week for my niece Kelsey's first birthday. Well technically the one year anniversary of her birthday, I don't want to anger the Facebook grammar nazis. As usual the visit by my parents, joined this time by my Aunt from the idyllic crime capital of St. Louis, was a personal dichotomy of grateful, blessed happiness and a sort of lonely melancholy, which is enhanced when they leave. This happens every time. I love the time I spend with them and I'm unimaginably grateful but I'm also a bit saddened because I know the time is short and when it's over I'll be missing a part of who I am. I imagine it's what James Harrison feels on the last game of the NFL season kowing he has no more quarterbacks to hit and will have to wait months for a legal outlet to his violent tendencies. James and I have so much in common...

We get confused for one another all the time... 

What I'm thinking is that I subconsciously draw a line between those I love and those I consider friends. The ones I love I lean on mentally and emotionally, even if I don't tell them as such all the time. When I'm dealing with issues internally I have a tendency to withdraw from friends to a degree. Partially because I don't want to burden them with my issues and partially because it's hard for me to be the vivacious, fun, charismatic Kulifay they've all come to know and tolerate when my mind is on weightier matters. I catch myself sometimes realizing that I'm not making contact as much as perhaps I should and to some friends I may owe an apology. Of course some of them are probably grateful of the absence of communication and if they're one of the 4 people reading this they may be going "NOOOOOOOO!" right this very moment. But I digress.

I need the people I love even more than they realize. They are the ones who change my day with a phone call, a text message, a Facebook post or whatever. They are the ones who remind me I've got people who love me when I'm the type of person who can feel alone in a crowded room. I may isolate myself on occasion but I am not an island. Unfortunately I sometimes unintentionally pressure those I love with my expectations but I think that's normal. Most people have different ideas of what's required in any kind of relationship whether it be friendship, romantic, family, coworker, acquaintence or drug dealer-drug user. So the next time you buy weed or vicodin from someone just remember: maybe he wanted you to ask him how his day was, show you care a little. You never know.

We each make our own clique of those we love, though it's not predetermined and it's not always easy or obvious. Not everyone we love is family and not everyone who's family may be someone we love. Some friends may be family to us emotionally, some family may be strangers. Consciously or subconsciously we all sift the people in our lives. The difference to me is this: friendships enrich our lives, but the people we love we can't live without.

To my friends who have lost loved ones recently. I hate cliche's and I know sometimes the standard lines are hard to hear but with full honesty my heart is with you even if you don't realize it or I haven't known how to say it. Your losses make me appreciate those I love all that much more and you're all in my thoughts and prayers.