The Twilight Of My Manhood...

Let's get a few things out in the open, just between us gals...
Despite my love of mixed martial arts, football, violent and misogynistic rap music, dogs over cats, every Rocky and mob movie ever made, red meat and urinating upright, there are several aspects of my history and personality that may raise a few eyebrows when the issue of my manhood is brought up (a surprisingly frequent topic). Those who know me best are aware of these but some of you will inevitably read the following with a look of disgust and never peruse this blog again.

I have seen every episode of Dawson's Creek.

I love Yankee Candles.

I enjoy flavored caffeinated beverages and eagerly await the arrival of Starbucks' pumpkin spiced latte' each fall.

I have an iPod playlist that includes Coldplay, Sarah Mclachlan and Bryan Adams (among others).

I have drank Zima. Voluntarily.

I have read every Harry Potter book. More than once.

This list could go on until I develop carpal tunnel syndrome but the Harry Potter disclosure actually segues nicely into the focal point of this blog. I have now read 'Twilight'. The book. The book about a romance between a 17 year old girl and a vampire who glitters in sunlight. I feel like I should take my last remaining man-card, complete with delightful calligraphy font, and burn it in a Lilac Blossoms scented Yankee Candle. I could beg your understanding by explaining to you that a friend convinced me to give it a read, and even went to the trouble to mail it to me. I could defend my waning masculinity by insisting I only agreed to it because I thought it would make a humorous blog subject and I could mock the Twilight fascination, finally having firsthand knowledge to back up my condescending taunts. I could salvage the last grains of respect for me currently sliding through your fingers by telling you it was a sociological experiment of sorts, that I did it to further understand my fellow man by engaging in experiences I wouldn't normally undertake to gain some insight into what's popular. I could tell you all of these things with a degree of truth and cling to my manhood...except for one crucial point.

I somewhat enjoyed it.

Now before I'm deluged with online assaults by my 4 readers I will make this disclaimer: it is not without its faults. The female (and human) protagonist is unrealistically clumsy, repeatedly placing herself in dangerous situations that would have resulted in her untimely death several times over if a superhuman undead Brad Pitt wasn't lurking around to save her every 7 minutes. By all rights this girl shouldn't have made it past grade school without a tragic merry-go-round accident ending her stumbling existence. And there is a bit of the Clark Kent / Superman ignorance going on in the book. Somehow the new girl in town is the only one who catches on to the inhuman nature of the local vampire club: the town citizens are blissfully ignorant to the clan of supermodels amongst them who conveniently avoid the sun at all times and never eat food. If the setting was Hollywood rather than a small town in the pacific northwest I may have accepted it. Most of the characters are not fleshed out, with approximately 97% of the dialogue and interaction being between the two main characters. Everyone else tends to be rather one dimensional. It's the literary equivalent of a sitcom. Edward and Bella are Ross and Rachel, everyone else are just random hiply dressed white people walking through the coffee shop.

However, as you may have guessed from my abbreviated list of sensitive qualities above (assuming you have greater deducing powers than the majority of characters in Twilight), I am nothing short of a sappy, hopeless romantic. Embarrassingly so at times. This is a love story and like most good love stories its foundation is based upon a romance that is remarkably intense, but seemingly impossible. And like my love for bacon it will inevitably lead to one killing the other. It's a modern day Romeo and Juliet...if Romeo was an unstoppable killing machine with an irresistable desire to drink Juliet like a nice chardonnay. And Romeo probably didn't have a better complexion than the display case at Kay Jewelers. The book moved quickly, at least for myself, despite lacking my usual requirements for a good book: graphic sex and violence. For a vampire book it was suprisingly PG. A forgiveable sin as like I've mentioned, I've read Harry Potter. Still, I've been spoiled by Wesley Snipes' vampiric thespian gifts.

So there you have it. A book review and a confession all in one. Reading Twilight may have been the pussified straw that broke the manhood camel's back. Regardless, I enjoyed reading the book and I appreciate my friend sending it to me and encouraging me to experience something I never would have on my own. There's something to be said for having an open enough mind to try something you typically deride. It's something that shows strength of character and a courage of sorts. And as a grown man I am beyond being concerned with how my manhood is perceived. And isn't that in itself fairly, dare I say it, manly? Either way, I have to go. My candle's burning down and my pumpkin spice latte's getting cold. Toodles!