The 2012 Fay-lympics

I don't run for the gold, I run for my soul

high jump these obstacles that I can never control

Swim past these self doubts keeping me from my goal

so when I stand on that platform I'm prepared for the role...

With Olympic spirit having swept across this great land of ours, and across the world as well, I couldn't help but wonder how my own personal inaugural Olympics would take place. And like the real Olympics, people will forget my exploits 17 minutes after they happen so this is an in the moment vanity project. So for your reading pleasure (or mockery) I've provided you a rough itinerary of the Fay-lympics...

RUNNING OF THE TORCH
My friends and acquaintences (having assuredly been compensated) will run, jog or walk (obviously in the Fay-lympics no one is authorized to operate a motor vehicle) carrying a torch emblazoned with the Steelers logo and burning only bacon grease, from St. Louis to Chicago to Pittsburgh in remembrance of my childhood travels. Runners will also carry a smaller torch, complete with copyright infringing mouse ears, from Orlando to Pittsburgh for the opening ceremonies.

OPENING CEREMONIES
In an artistic clusterfuck celebrating the culture of Kulifay, dozens of minimum wage Taco Bell employees use synchronized movements to tell my story of bacon indulgence, fantasy football participation, retail employment, coffee addiction, love of hip-hop and relationship dysfunction. The closer will have Morgan Freeman narrating selected passages from 50 Shades of Grey while a giant high definition screen shows all the cease and desist letters from Jessica Biel's lawyers sent to me over the years. The games are officially announced when the torch sets fire to a stuffed representation of Dane Cook.

COMPETITIONS

Speed Texting: Like figure skating, gymnastics and throwing obnoxious birthday parties, rich 16 year old girls will dominate grown men here. If touchscreens hadn't come around I would have at least bronzed in this event, however. You're scored by the 'word' here so knowledge of text shorthand and various facial expressions (emoticons to the texting professional) is an absolute must.

Stand-Up Showdown: Amateur comedians will compete in a stand-up competition judged by Louis C.K., Patton Oswalt, Dave Attell and Chris Rock underneath giant banners of Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Greg Giraldo and Bernie Mac. Points will be granted for originality, edginess, handling hecklers and (of course) excessive profanity. Anyone who is judged to have stolen material from other comedians must stand on the Carlos Mencia Platform of Shame during the awards ceremony.

The 100 Yard Retail Customer Hurdles: Lowly paid competitors must work their way through a gauntlet of condescending, expectant, irrational and demanding customers of various ages and income brackets. They will be judged on patience, knowledge, fake sincerity and the ability to bullshit under pressure. The medals will be delivered to the nametag-clad winners in gold, silver and bronze shopping carts.

The Lil Wayne CD Discus Throw: Self explanatory.

Quotathletics: Verbal athletes compete against one another by attempting to maintain a conversation using only movie quotes. The first participant to falter or misquote is eliminated. Competitors must also be able to identify the movie and character source of the quote at the referee's discretion. Each quotathlete has three passes to substitute song lyrics in place of movie quotes to continue the conversation (any use of Nickelback results in an automatic disqualification).

Meme Marathon: Continuing the Fay-lympics tradition of rewarding people for taking credit for other people's creativity, competitors are given random moods and must race to provide a suitable meme and post it to social media.

Blogging Nonsensically: As a tribute to the namesake of the Fay-lympics our competitors must blog about inane topics that challenge no one intellectually, fail to create any kind of stimulating conversation, refuse to address relevant political, religious or social issues or contribute to society in any way. Points will be awarded for self-indulgence, over-explanations, crude humor and overwhelming narcissism (like parodying the Olympics for your own purposes).

AWARDS CEREMONIES
Champions receive gift certificats to Primanti Brothers while silver and bronze medalists receive Andrew McCutchen bobbleheads. As the cheers die down and the adrenaline of the games wears off, recipients will hang their heads in shame as the realization of what they've participated in finally hits them.

CLOSING CEREMONIES
Having come together in the spirit of...well, something...participants and spectators alike will trudge wearily back to their day-to-day lives, each with a free pack of bacon and a little less dignity. There won't be a dry eye in the place as hometown success story Wiz Khalifa serenades the masses with his soulful tales of expensive cars, general thuggery, and excessive marijuana inhalation. See you all in 2014 for the Winter edition. Bring your own sleds.