The Football, Coffee and Bacon Preoccupation



You don't know me, you only know the part you see
It's not an act, but it's not the only part of me
some watch the show from the seats, some got lines to say
But it's my life, I do the casting for every role to play...



Allow me to set the record straight: If I consumed bacon even a fraction as often as I reference it on social media I would have passed away long ago, my arteries as clogged as a dive-bar toilet on dollar taco night, my stomach distended like the Octomom's. It's not a pretty picture and the last thing I want is my legacy of classy behavior, lauded accomplishments and superb fitness to be washed away by a tragic, embarrassing death, a la Elvis. When I shuffle this mortal coil I envision myself garbed in a Steelers hoodie with a lime beer near my hand and suggestive innuendo the last words to escape my lips. Like the respectable gentleman I am. And while I love football I assure you I don't take it as seriously as many of you yinzers whose weekends are ruined by an early season loss to the Raiders. As for coffee...well ok, I may drink way too much. I'm drinking one right now. Don't you judge me.

I'm starting to suspect that my inordinate amount of status updates on Facebook relating to football, coffee and (especially) bacon are leading the readers to believe that I am about as deep as a kiddie pool, child urine aside. And while that's far from the truth I'm sure that I, like almost everyone else, am not as deep or unique as I like to think I am. There are two big reasons I post regularly about football, coffee and bacon:

1: I really do like football, coffee and bacon. Seriously.

2: I'm afraid to talk about a lot of other things that would lead to infinitely more interesting exchanges.

That first one is pretty self-explanatory. Allow me to elaborate on the second:

I'm not afraid of confrontation, verbal or physical. I avoid it when possible because first and foremost I'm not an asshole, and because most of the people I engage are decent at heart and typically acquaintences if not friends or family. Plus, with a face this handsome you just don't want to damage it. I owe that to the women of the world. But sometimes I may avoid confrontation too much. I let things slide that I would like to address simply because I don't feel a lot of you have the same amount of respect that I do in these matters. I have a temper but it takes a certain amount of disrespect to set it off. For instance, if someone cuts me off in traffic (shaddup) I don't get road rage. Shit happens. When that same individual responds to my completely reasonable light horn tap or raising of the hands by flipping me off, I go batshit crazy. I have yelled, threatened and even chased (through red lights, stop signs and sanity) because the combination of idiocy, disrespect and illogical behavior triggers something in me, and that side of me is not nearly as patient and charming as the me most of you are used to.

Likewise, when I try to engage anyone in anything meaningful, much like in my lovelife, I like to do it in one-on-one situations or small groups at best. Trying to debate my 300+ Facebook friends (don't hate me cause I'm popular) and expecting to have a rational exchange in which no one pisses me off is foolishness. I'm just not a debate orgy guy. It sounds like a great idea but everyone is just trying to please themselves, no one cares about actual dialogue and eventually someone is going to do something that ruins it for everybody. This is not a jab at those of you who throw their political, religious and cultural hats into the social media ring. I respect that you do so and some of you I've learned quite a bit from. As a matter of fact my vote in the upcoming election will probably be decided by what I learn from posts on my newsfeed. Keep at it. It's just not my thing.

So I keep it safe and light by talking about bacon, coffee and football among other trivial subjects and if that makes me soft or weak to you...well fuck you. I decide my level of discourse, when to speak, when to raise my voice and when to fight if necessary. And when I do decide I'm damn good at it so be careful what you ask for. In the meantime you can ask me anything, anytime and I'll discuss it personally. Those who know me well know there's pretty much nothing taboo (except HawthorNe, Lil Wayne and Dane Cook...bring up at your own risk). So if you're ever interested in how deep the deep end of the Kulifay pool goes, dive right in. It's just not a party.

P.S. Yes, I am aware of the anticipated bacon shortage. Unlike those of you who repeatedly talk about the 'zombie apocalypse' I am actually well prepared. I won't discuss the particulars but I will have my bacon. And for those of you worried about rising prices, remember this: bacon is priceless.