The En-Lightening Blog (Original Working Title: The F-It Blog)



Too lively, no worries, depression won’t survive me
No license, don’t need it, I got this anger to drive me
This isn’t hatred, hate is way beneath me
And so far out of sight it couldn’t jump to reach me...

Thursday, October 4th's epipheny: I need to lighten up.

Seriously, like sometimes you just gotta throw on the cheap sunglasses from Risky Business and say "what the fuck" kinda lighten up. Like a Will Ferrell Talladega Nights-Anchorman-Step Brothers marathon kinda lighten up.  Like a get drunk on tequila and grab a...well you get the point.

 

I looked back at some of my blogs (which if you haven't done by now yourself, you really should...this is classic literature here) and I was struck a little bit by how serious and at times existential some of them come off, even with some juvenile humor thrown in here and there. I think sometimes in the moment of writing I miss a bit on the tone of the message I'm trying to convey. Blame it on my limitations as a writer and my own mental confusion at times. If I ever figure out how to properly express conflicting emotions in my writing while keeping it entertaining, well then I'll stop writing free blogs and try to get paid. Yep, I'm using you, my faithful readers, as a step towards something much more lucrative. I hope we can work through this.

And pardon the second (and all subsequent) f-bomb in such a short time but basically, fuck it. I'm tired. Tired of caring so much about things out of my control. Fuck it, I'm tired of my love/hate relationship with love and always giving wayyyyy more than I get. Fuck it, I'm tired of worrying about being single and whether I'm even emotionally up to a stable relationship at this point. Fuck it, I'm tired of letting people influence my mood and happiness when they clearly don't care to expend any effort on my behalf. Fuck it, I'm tired of letting the general public affect me so much during my workday. Fuck it, I'm tired of thinking there's something wrong with me because I don't have the answers. And I'm tired of typing 'Fuck'...my mother might be reading this (sorry Mom!)

I have a good life. And the thing about it is, all the things that bother me are to some greater or lesser degree in my control. Maybe I can't control whether someone I love loves me but I can damn sure control how much effort I put into it and stop making myself miserable in the pursuit of potential happiness. I can't generally control people and events but I CAN control how they affect me. I can let the little, trivial things go, even if they don't feel so trivial at the time. I'm not starving. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have clothes on my back and plenty of food in my stomach (shaddup). I have great friends and people who have proven they care about me.

I often reference something I heard from a comedian whose name I can't remember on a documentary about stand-up comedians. To paraphrase he said that the way a comedian's mind works is that if they're doing a set in front of 300 people and 299 of them are laughing, at the end of the night the only one on the comedian's mind is that one audience member with his/her arms crossed not laughing at anything. That's the only one who matters to a lot of performers. I often attribute this to why attractive women date assholes. When almost every guy you've met since you were 15 has been trying to sleep with you and kisses your ass, the guy who treats you like crap stands out. He suddenly becomes the one guy they want, or even need to like them. It's a strange, but disturbingly common, combination of confidence and insecurity, or maybe just a desire to please. I think I have that mental condition to a degree. I have amazing people in my life, I shouldn't be worried about, more or less wasting time, energy and happiness on the select few people who aren't doing the same for me.

So fuck it. I like my life. I like who I am (right about now you should sync your iPods to play some Celine Dion or Sarah McLachlan song to emphasize the mood...then transition into something from Rocky III or IV for the triumphant close). Like most important things in life it's not a decision made in a moment but an effort over time but I'm determined to stop letting things get me down. To stop letting my first-world, freshman-psych class bullshit dominate my thoughts and mood. To embrace life more, appreciate the people in my life more and be thankful for my blessings more. To laugh, love and...well you get the idea.

One love.

 

 

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